Simple, Easy, Straightforward

Firstly, I just would like to share this amazing British boyband that I have stumbled upon while listening to music on Youtube.... the amazing things you can find :') They were originally called The Grove but they have now changed their band name to Lawson. This is their new single, "Standing in the Dark" from their new album Chapman Squares. I was blown away by how good they sound together and the fact that they are all very cute <3

SO GOOD.

Anyhow, this week has been pretty easy and simple, which makes me happy. It gives me time to think and catch up with things that I may be behind on. You may have noticed that I began blogging regularly on the Saturday morning... hopefully that will continue. I can't promise that it will but I will try my best to do so and get to your questions ASAP :)

Here we go: I found some of these interesting. Where do you find the capacity to think up some of these questions? I guess we are all very curious beings... ;)

The first thing I would like to address is this Facebook status-y thing that has a bunch (I believe there are 50 of them) questions that was sent to be via email... some really, really random questions.....

Q: Please answer this as fully and extensively as possible. I feel like I don't really know you that well as a blogger. I know its a lot more questions from one person that you usually get, but this would mean a lot to me. My friend posted this on facebook and I would like to see how you do with this. - via Email.

JAAG: Um. Well, then, I will try my best. (my answers are in blue)
 Ever cheated on someone? How many times?:
I've never cheated on anyone because I've been cheated on myself. The feeling when you find out that you've been cheated on is the worst in the world, and I don't want anyone to feel that way.
 How old were you when you lost your virginity? Or if you are a virgin, what age do you think you’ll lose it at?:
 I'll lose it when I'm ready = after I'm married = currently do not know what age I will get married at.
Are you “in love” with somebody?
Currently, no,
 Have you ever done anything sexual on your parents bed?:
That would be disgusting, gross and down right strange. NO.
Ever been “the other person” in an affair?:
No. 
How many people do you have a crush on right now?:
At the present moment that I answer this, there is  no one. Honestly..
Ever had a one night stand?
no.
Ever gotten drunk and couldn’t remember the night?:
I don't even drink. I don't really like the taste onf any alcohol.
 Ever had a crush on your neighbor?:
Well, all the obys in my neighbourhood are really young, like, 4 years younger than me... and they are gross and immature.
 Ever snuck out of the house?:
Funny question, but no.
 If you’re underage, do you still drink and/or smoke cigarettes?:
I am underage, so no and no.
 Ever attempted suicide?:
Thought about, yes; tried, no.
 Ever been to therapy? What for?:
When I had Mollaret's, I had to go to therapy and rehabilitation because of the medicine.
 Have you ever been so upset that you stopped eating?:
For me it's the opposite: if I get upset I do eat. Not a lot, but I would still eat.
 Are you clinically depressed? Are you taking anything for it?
I suffer from situational depression. I'm not quite sure if it's clinical yet; there has been no set diagnosis.
 How old were you when you first got kissed?:
If we're talking pecks on the cheek, I would have to say 12. Sweet, innocent, pecks on the lips, 13. Total makeout, 16. It was last week.
 Ever been in a relationship and wanted to end it, but stuck with it for some reason?
If I was in a relationship that I was unhappy in, it didn't seem fair to stay in the relationship for the sake of being in a relationship and leading the other person on, especially when they still love you. I've been in situations like that twice, but  Inever stuck around just because. That would be unfair.
Did you ever run away? How long were you gone for and what happened?:
The childhood naiveness of running away and hoping that people will be sorry that they ever got angry at you or made fun of you in the first place... thought about it, never went through with it.
 Do you ever lie to yourself about things so much that you believe it?
As much as I can lie to people about being fine when they ask me 'how are you?', I know myself too well. I can't lie to myself because I'm too realistic with my goals and what I want for my life.
 Have you ever liked someone when you were dating someone else?
No, because to me, that's the step into the cheating territory, and cheating is bad.
. Ever dated a friend’s ex?:
No, because that is just wrong. I wouldn't want a best friend doing that to me, so likewise,  I shouldn't do that to them
 Ever done something with your friend’s significant other?:
No. that's wrong.
Did anyone ever confide in you about being gay/lesbian?:
Two people so far. My first ex told me while we were together that he was bisexual. I had a friend once that told me that she was a lesbian. I don't have anything against homosexual people, but it was strange to hear that she was in love with me.
Do you know of someone who has done a horrible crime but never got caught?
No
.Ever stole a large sum of money?:
No, my future is too important for me to have it tainted with a police record over money that isn't mine.
Ever got a piercing behind your parents’ back?:
I am scared of needles. I would want them to be with me when I get my first piercing.
 What’s your #1 biggest fear?:
SPIDERS
Have you ever faced that fear? What happened?:
I confront them on a day to day basis. I scream really loudly.

Q: Would you consider yourself and introvert or an extrovert? - via Twitter

JAAG: Good question. I think about that a lot. Sometimes I think of myself as an introvert, but other times I think of myself as an extrovert. I'm kind of an in between of some sorts; an introverted extrovert if that even makes any sense. Some days I can fair well in social situations, but some days I just really do not want to be talked to because it is awkward to me.

Q: Describe the best summer romance you ever had :) - via Tumblr

JAAG: Honestly, there have been a lot of flings that have happened that either the guy ended or I've ended, but each one was unforgettable. Now that I'm older, I have a little more freedom. This past summer I went on a cruise to the Bahamas and I met this guy.. he's my age and he's from the east coast. He is adorable <3 We spent a lot of time together and he took me dancing and we even pulled a Titanic on the front of the boat. Nevertheless, when the time came to say goodbye, we just held onto to each other and traded info. He did kiss me, and he looks amazing in a suit and tie <3

Q: You come across as a really literate person. What are you currently reading right now? - via Twitter

JAAG: Well gee, thanks for saying that I am smart and literate. I've been reading since age 3.
I currently am reading Leo Tolstoy's Anna Karenina. It is quite the love story. There are parts about Russian farming that I find dry so I skip those parts, but the actual love story complete with the affiars and the bitter betrayals keeps me up all night in anticipation, flipping through he book page by page. If you ever get the chance, I suggest reading it, and I'm not even done yet!

Q: Would you consider yourself a tea person or a coffee person? - via Tumblr

JAAG: I cannot call myself a coffee person because personally, the taste of regualr coffee (ie Americano, Colombian, etc) with cream and sugar is unappealing to me. I do however like lattes or mochas. I would call myself more of a tea person. I love tea, it keeps me awake and doesn't put me to sleep (coffee does, strangely enough.)

Q: What is the best part of your day? - via Twitter

JAAG: Being able to wake up alive. It's the best feeling in the world :)

So I thank you for all your questions... can you believe that September is basically over?? Where has the time gone, I feel so old... :')

Meanwhile, STAY OUT OF TROUBLE AND DON'T FORGET TO SMILE! Enjoy the last couple days of September, the sunshine, the Autumn breeze and the coloured leaves falling from the trees... I should be a poet. :P

love and such,

rachelrae xx

I'm Here for You.

So hello fellow blog readers! Life is strange, I think you would agree with me. My life has taken an emotional and strange and slightly awkward turn.

I know I suffer from depression. That is not a new fact for me, but it always gets me every time no matter how ready I am for it. I'm a strange person altogether, so I guess I will have to accept that.

To help reach out to other people with this same state of mind, I want people to know that I am here for you. I want to empower you. I want you to know that in times of trouble and need and the times when it feels like you have no one left to talk to, I can be there for you. I may not know you personally but I will try my very best to help you out, because no one deserves to suffer alone and in silence.

More information can be found on my Tumblr: I've created a link to a page that hopefully you will read and feel that you aren't alone. I want to make you feel as welcome as possible. No amount of words is too large or too small, too ordinary or too bizarre. I will take you the way you are. You don't need to worry about being judged.

Here it is, please check it out if you ever need help: http://mariachelle-annaclare.tumblr.com >> want to suicide?

Just like I answer all your questions, you tell me whether or not you would like them to be posted on the blog or not for other people to read and learn. I can tell you now that whatever you choose to tell me will forever stay confidential and I will not share it with anyone.

Along the lines of this subject, I got a couple questions concerning suicide and depression that people wanted publicized and answered...

Q: I know you always say that there is someone out there that thinks that I am worth it.. but so far I  haven't been able to find that person, so does that make me useless? - via Tumblr

JAAG: Absolutely not! There are people out there that love you for who you are, and even if you haven't found them yet, rest assured that they are out there. For a long time I have struggled with this as well: the people you thought actually cared for you turn out to be your worst nightmares and be very unsupportive. I want you to know that everyone has a purpose in life, and you have to find it. You may have a small part in this world, but without this part, our world wouldn't be complete :)\

Q: My friend wants to suicide. What can I do to stop him? - via Twitter

JAAG: Talk to him about it and see if you can offer him any words of encouragement and tell him that he is an amazing person. Tell him about his strengths and what you like best about him. Tell him that you will be there to listen if he ever needs someone to listen. If you feel that you won't be able to handle what he could tell you, tell an adult that you can trust. An adult can help you in finding help for your friend.
Also, tell him to read my "want to suicide?" page on my Tumblr which is listed at the top of this post. Hope that helps, and tell your friend that he is amazing!

Q: Is depression the same for everyone? - via Twitter

JAAG: Not really. There are two types of depression: clinical and situational. Clinical comes from an imbalance of chemicals in your brain. It's interesting to note that this is hereditary and if a person has a family history, it is not uncommon for it to be seen in future generations.
On the other hand, situational depression derives from, as the name implies, 'situations of your present and past'. Say for example you failed a test, you got bullied, you were denied a scholarship, a close family member passed away, your dog ran away... these are all things that can traumatize people and make them feel like their life is spiralling out of control or that they are 'worthless'. People have different levels of depression, some very mild and some very severe, and people have different ways of coping with it, so depression is different for everyone.

Q: How can I deal with my depression on my own? My family thinks that anyone who suffers from depression is 'weak' and 'useless' and there is no such thing as depression in their world. - via Tumblr

JAAG: I live in a world similar to you. While my parents don't share views quite as extreme as yours, my parents do feel that depression is just a head thing that you can grow out of and that it is not a serious disease. Unfortunately, it is, and it is sweeping our continent by storm. I would first suggest talking to an adult that you can trust, preferably someone that has no ties to your parents in case it accidentally slips. A school counsellor is a great choice. However, if depression becomes suicide and you are seen as 'at risk to yourself' chances are you may get 'ratted out' so to speak. When that happens, don't feel betrayed. It is for your good. That happened to me where my adult told the school guidance counsellor and I was in counselling for 5 weeks. At the time I felt super betrayed, but now looking back, I am so thankful that he did that for me <3

Q: I've been doing all these things that I don't usually do: I've been hanging out with different people, jaywalking during lunch, coming in late for classes and giving teachers attitude. I never used to do that, but now, I don't know what's happening to me. what should I do? - via Tumblr

JAAG: This may be a side effect to depression: breaking out and wanting more attention to yourself for all the wrong reasons. It happens, and for a little bit, it happened to me too. I actually made out with someone during my little rebellious streak! But looking back, it was a mistake. These things rush to your head, they make you feel superior and for a while you are on a power trip that is nothing but ecstasy and fake-ness. Good for you for noticing it, and now, try your best to do what you used to: get into class early. Cross the sidewalk instead of running across the street. Smile at teachers, and maybe keep your mouth closed for a bit. You can do this: it maybe all in your head, but you have the power to change.

So yeah, I hope that you can find some peace of mind in my blog. Like I said before, don't hesitate to message me or ask me a question or tell me what's going on or how you are feeling now. We are all different, unique, special and beautiful. YOU ARE WORTH IT.

This is a song for you, kinda depressing, but I love it all the same. "The A Team" by Ed Sheeran

"It's too cold outside for angels to fly, to fly, to fly."

STAY OUT OF TROUBLE AND DON'T FORGET TO SMILE! Remember that there is no one on this earth that is youer than you - Dr. Seuss. :)

love,

rachelrae xx

Back to Routine!

Wow, sorry for not posting in such a long time. I've been out of town getting probably the bestest tan I have ever got since going to Hawaii 6 years ago! :) I've also been spending a lot of time on Tumblr and stuff, my new found love <3 But nothing can compare to the base that I have created here on my original blog!

I've gotten a ton of questions - questions regarding summer loves. Questions about what my outlook was for school year 2012/2013. Questions on pursuing new boy/girlfriends this year. The most random questions you can ever imagine! I also got a ton of interesting mail that I would like to answer to :)

My saturdays are now free, so I can answer as many of them as  I can in the next little while... >:)

Q: It was probably the best summer ever, JAAG! My best guy friend and I of 11 years have finally fallen in love with each other.. how exciting is that? - via Tumblr

JAAG: I think that at any time, when someone finds out that their crush likes them back and they are in that stage of, "so cool, we both like each other!" and for a while, you are in the euphoria that most people mistaken for love, when really it isn't. Don't get me wrong though, I've been where you are and felt that I was in love when really it was all an illusion. In fact, I lived quite a parallel life to you last year. All I can say is, stay true to yourself. Don't let your best guy friend now turned boyfriend overrule you. The best thing about dating a close friend is that you can skip the awkward stage of getting to know each other and having the rumours fly that you are already planning out your wedding when in reality, you haven't even lifted off the ground yet. Don't let the guy pressure you into doing anything that you don't want to. Most of the time, people that we are closest to are the ones that want to push us out there further, but if you keep your ground, none of these bad things will happen to you. When you sense that something isn't right and you feel like mortal enemies from the best friends that you used to be, don't hesitate to pull the plug. Best of luck!

Q: How was your summer? - via Twitter

JAAG: My summer was an interesting one. The first 2/3 was all work and more work (although I did sneak in some time to blog to you guys!). I had a music history exam to take in the beginning of August, and I was doing some volunteer work and went in for a couple job interviews. I think there was one day where I actually did get to go out with two of my best friends and hang out in true summer fashion. After the exam I had one week to chill out, and I did. Then I went with my family on a two week vacay to Florida: Orlando & Miami and the Bahamas: Great Bahama Island, Nassau and the Norwegian Cruise Line's private island, Great Stirrup Cay. It was a fun trip, meeting up with my mom's family, going to DisneyWorld, experiencing NASA, cruising to exotic locations... it was all so much fun, and it went by really fast! So in essence, it was a good summer :)

Q: Did you learn anything about your personality/conquer anything that you needed to face this summer? - via Tumblr

JAAG: I'm not quite sure what you meant by this question, but I found it interesting and I interpreted it in a way that I hope is the way that you asked this question, but if it isn't, I'm terribly sorry for rambling and not answering your question!
I learned a lot in music history this summer. In terms of myself, I learned that this guy I liked? Probably not the smartest guy to like after all. If a guy is cute but has no content, there isn't much in him to date. Also, I learned that if  I see a cute guy and try to ignore it because there is no way in the universe that I will be his girlfriend.... well, let's just say that God works in mysterious ways ;)

Q: Are you going to date this school year, since you are single now? - via Tumblr

JAAG: I have realized that that is a bad attitude. I shouldn't have to be dependent on having a boyfriend to be happy, because look at where that got me last year. I have so many friends and people that care for me, that it's actually totally unnecessary to have a boyfriend to make me happy. I'm so blessed and lucky! To answer your question, anything can change. The moment I get a boyfriend will not because I want to make myself more happy to make up for what I am lacking, but because I have found someone that can love me wholly for who I am. So far I haven't found that person yet, but you gotta keep looking, because he is somewhere out there.

Q:  are you the girl at Guildford? - via Twitter

JAAG: Ah, a Surrey Native I see ;) if you are referring to the girl with the short hair and sans glasses.. then yes :)

Q: Summer loves ? - via Twitter

JAAG: I met this guy on the cruise... I noticed him right away when we were waiting to get onto the boat, but I tried to ignore the tugging at my heart, because he would never fall for me. And even if we became friends and such, maybe he lives halfway across the world! But he followed me, and eventually in the waiting area he was sitting right behind me. My hat was knocked off my head, and guess who picked it up?
Anyways, we became friends, hanging out and stuff. We went to a party together, we walked on the beach together, we had dinner with each other. Probably the cutest summer love I ever had :)

Q: I just want to say that when you were blogging through your difficult and cynical phase, I was following your blog. You are an inspiration to me and I appreciate all that you are able to put out there for random strangers to read. You gave me hope. I am happy to see that you are doing well now, and I want you to know that you helped me pull through, even though I don't know you and you don't know me. You showed me how to look past my imperfections because I am still perfect in God's eyes. Thank you so much <3 - via Tumblr

JAAG: It means so much to me that people actually read the random stuff that I post, but it is another thing to actually help someone through a difficult time just by blogging about mine. Thank you for reading, thank you for understanding, thank you for coping, and best of all, thank you for not harming yourself in anyway! You are BEAUTIFUL, no wait, BE-YOU-TIFUL. There is no one else like you on this Earth, and if you are gone, the world is lacking in someone like you. I'm so happy that we were both able to push past the hardships in our past! Here's to a bright and amazing future! :)

Q: Do you still get depressed even though you have been deemed 'safe' and 'non-suicidal'? - via Tumblr

JAAG: I think that is common for humans to get depressed, since we are human. Now that I am 'safe' and 'non-suicidal', I do sometimes get depressed. Just because one is deemed safe doesn't mean that they will be happy for the rest of their lives. Being depressed is like being sad but it is magnified almost 10 fold. It causes them to be paranoid, in pain, and wanting to get themselves out of a painful situation, usually through suicide. I've been there, and I would have to say that while I don't get depressed as much now, I still do. It will take a while before I can get to an even better place, but I don't think I will stop being depressed for certain reasons.

Q: What is the biggest goal that you have for yourself this school year? - via Twitter

JAAG: I think that it would be to end the year off strong, even though it's only the beginning. Apparently Grade 11 is a crucial and important year. Also to have fun and not to get tangled up in stupid drama that I don't have to be tangled up in.

Q: You were tweeting a fair bit about a story that you are writing. Care to explain?;) - via Tumblr

JAAG: Absolutely! I didn't even realize that so many of you follow me on twitter :P Well, basically, I've written two sort of memoirs of my own life, and I wanted to try my hand at writing a fiction novel. I've written a couple short stories for contests here and there, and every time I did try to write a fiction, I would stop at chapter 6 or so. No joke. This time around, I actually had an outline to follow, some basic points that I made sure that I would hit throughout the story. Whenever I felt an emotion, I let that lead my writing, and so far it's been going pretty well. I'm on chapter 13 :) More details to come!

`~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Well, first week in school and there isn't that much homework! :)

Listening to Big Time Rush to make up for the fact that they are in my city this weekend but I won't be going ): Oh well.

Thanks everyone for being so understanding and for knowing more about me than I do sometimes, you are all so amazing! :)

STAY OUT OF TROUBLE AND DON'T FORGET TO SMILE! Best of luck to everyone this school year, and keep those questions coming in! :) And any Rushers going to the vancity BTR concert this weekend, have so much fun, have double the fun for me! Haters are gonna hate, but Rushers are gonna elevate! <3

Your fellow Rusher,

rachelrae xx